Preparing to Teach in a Pandemic

I’m preparing my classes for the fall. I made a promise to myself, ten years ago that guides my teaching: “I will work as hard as you do in this class.”

“If you wrote the paper in 20 minutes before class, I will spend no more than 20 minutes grading it.”

“If you want an A, we will work together until you get an A. If you don’t want to work that hard, we can settle, together, on a B or C.”

Some students are used to “easy As” in communication and humanities classes. They get frustrated in my classes because an A isn’t difficult, but it is work.

For the students who want it, though, I will move the moon.

If you want to use your writing in my class as a grad school sample, I am in.

If you want to read the other 200 pages of that book I assigned ten pages from, I am in.

If you want me to read the chapbook you are working on, I will -- so long as you finish the regular assignments I need you to do.

This is why I win advising awards but never teaching awards. “I will work as hard as you do in this class.”

...

I made this promise as a correction. Teachers get evaluated on bubble sheets. Raises, and our job security, depend on these evaluations. If a student fills in the oval circles on the eval that says that they didn’t learn, the institution wants me to believe that I am responsible for that failure.

But I’m not, at least not solely. Your learning is not within my boundaries. I can’t make you learn.

But I can create the environment and the support system in which you flourish toward the learning you commit to.

It’s like I was teaching for ten years before I learned that Adrienne Rich’s assertion (that students need to claim their education) also had implications for my responsibilities in the classroom.

(On Rich, digestible form: https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/05/21/claiming-an-education-adrienne-rich-1977-commencement/). (On Rich, full text: http://www.yorku.ca/cvandaal/files/ClaimingAnEducation.pdf)

If a student claims their education, I will work as hard as they do.

When Help is Help: Aristotle, your Flourishing, and my Flourishing

I have spent a few days looking inside my "shadow."  Now, I want to look at the light side, using Aristotle.

...

I rarely use Aristotle.  His xenophobia is unattractive, and his sexism is disgusting.  But his discussion of friendship...

"A friend, then, is one who wishes and does good things to a friend, for the friend’s sake" (Annas, “Self-Love in Aristotle,” Southern Journal of Philosophy)

If you and I are friends, it is because I see your flourishing as my happiness, and you see my flourishing as your happiness.

I want to explain my teaching, my civic life, and my friendships in this light.

...

Teaching

I call myself a professor of rhetoric because I need a tribe, but I don't teach "a subject."

• I teach students to identify problems and solutions.  
• I teach students to communicate solutions to others.  
• I ask students to reflect on who-they-become as problem-solvers.

I don't care which problems they pursue, only that they pursue the ones that matter to them.  My advisees work in search engine optimization, in indigenous studies, in public relations, in law, in teaching, in veterinary medicine, as a life doula.  My happiness is my students' pursuit of their own flourishing.

...

Civic Life

I write for newspapers and social media.  My writing has been called "invitational," and I treasure that.

Authentic speech is hard; it makes speaker and listener uncomfortable.  But if people are afraid to speak, we will never find ways to work together.  My writing invites people to share their authentic selves.  My happiness is others' flourishing as they speak comfortably in our shared public sphere.

...

Friendships

I want my friends to flourish, walking alongside them as they pursue happiness.    

• That might mean working to remove barriers to flourishing (I am great with creative problem solving).  
• That might mean encouraging flourishing (I am a great cheerleader because all of my friends are awesome).  

My happiness is rooted in my friends' pursuit of their own flourishing.

The Aristotelian definition of friendship goes further.  I become a different person, a better person, for a friendship.  Friends don't harden who they are -- they cultivate each other in unexpected ways. 

When I am at my best, I am this kind of friend, son, partner, colleague, seeking the transformation that friendship will bring to us both.
  

***

If you've read these posts, shared your own reflections, or suggested a book, you have cultivated me this week.  I have a reading list, including Mark Epstein's The Trauma of Everyday Life.  One person messaged the ways that Your Story Is Your Power: Free Your Feminine Voice, by Elle Luna and Susie Herrick, helped them think about what has been on my plate -- an unexpected gift of friendship.

I can rest now.  :)

When Helping isn't Helping, Me or You, Continued

Trigger warning for curse words as I make points of emphasis.

Today, I resigned from leadership roles in my faculty union.  I just can't, right now.  These reflections have been part of why.  I volunteered "to be helpful," and I am rethinking why I do that.

A lifelong survival strategy has been "making myself helpful."  I talked, two days ago, about the caregiver role asked of me as a child.  I think of it this way.  My mother was brave enough to put her own safety first, to divorce her abusive husband.  As punishment, some family "disowned" her.  To follow her own needs (for safety, for happiness) meant ostracism.

I wasn't going to let my grandparents do that to me.  So I became good at mowing lawns, at shoveling, at helping grandpa jack up the sagging southwest foundation of the home every year (with a literal jack under the corner of the house).  There's a metaphor for you.

"Helping" my grandparents was about loving them (public face), but also about manipulating them into meeting my security needs (shadow).  I belong here.  You won't let me go (subtext, like you did mom) because you need me.

...

Fast forward 30 years.  I'm a vibrant, diversely engaging intellectual (public face).  And yet:

• I'm on 25% of all MA committees in my department, even as I am 7% of the graduate faculty.  I belong here.  You won't let me go because you need me.  
• I direct a half dozen independent studies each year.  I belong here.  You won't let me go because you need me.   
• I coordinate internships.  I belong here.  You won't let me go because you need me.  

"Helping" students is about loving the relationship that can come from mentoring (public face).  It's also about manipulating the institution into meeting my security needs (shadow).

...

"I belong here.  You won't let me go because you need me" has ripple effects in personal life.  

A divorced man dates single moms.  Single moms have lots of ways to be helped.  One sweetheart, heated in her language when she was angry, said to me once:  "You have me at a disadvantage.  I can't argue with you, without risking losing your help." 

I spent time wondering "How can it be a bad thing that I am driving her child to dance class?  I like the child.  I want her to rest after work."  That was me, looking onto my public face and saying "I'm a helping person." Looking onto the shadow, though:  I was trying to force her to meet my security need by making myself helpful.  I belong here.  You won't let me go because you need me.     

... 

I genuinely love(d) my great-grandparents, my then-girlfriend, and (most of) my students.  The public face of these good works is real.

But as I established yesterday, each of these good works includes a desire to control the way other people feel about me, to fill some need in me.

This blogging is about recognizing the tension between the conscious intent (in the light) and the unconscious motivations (in the shadow).  Recognizing the ways these two forces work against each other, and the ways they wreck things, is Enantiodromia, the process I think I am working through as I write this.

...

So, time to step back, to stop deploying "helpfulness" as a way to try to control the responses of others, including at work.  This means resigning from a task I took on "to be helpful" that brings me no joy.  I'm sorry, UEA.

When Helping isn't Helping

Trigger warning for cursing as I reach uncomfortable insights.

So a friend and colleague (who has been reading this blog for years) suggested that, in the last post, I was talking not just about "not-asking for help"...

...but also, in a way, seeing "help" as a moment for forcefulness.

He is sewing things together fast.  From his provocative statement, I can sew some things together, too.

...

My great-grandfather, atop the toilet.  I wasn't helping.  I told myself I was, but I was the only person in that bathroom who felt like I was helping.  

I was exercising force in pulling him up.  I exhorted, "Come on, Papa," as if telling him to come on would make him stand any more easily.  Pulling and exhorting -- attempting to control.   

I do that.  Fuck.  I mowed the lawn for a friend a few weeks ago. I angrily waved her to the side, so that she would not be hit by debris from the blower.  I told myself that my angry expression was okay, because it was hot and I was tired.

I wanted her not to get hit.  But I also wanted to control where she was standing while I mowed.  Both sentences are true.

I was exercising force as part of "helping."  If I could have mowed the lawn without angrily waving her aside, she would have been happier, and I would have been happier.  (And thank you, to her, for noting that at the time.  I'm sorry I am only seeing this pattern now, today.)

When I think I am helping, my shadow, the shadow of force and control in my life, comes out.

...

It's true.  I wrote about it here, in Blue Avocado.  The only time I have ever struck a tabletop in anger, it was because I was "doing the right thing" -- helping the employees of a nonprofit secure health care.  I hammered that tabletop.  I wish I hadn't.  But it was okay, because I was "helping."

It's true when I argue.  There is sometimes a moment, when I am arguing with someone, that I see "their mistake."  I move from being an open listener, the part of me that I want to believe is my core, and I become a forceful arguer, intent on "helping" them through their mistake, to the "right decision."  (Or, perhaps, I am helping our audience avoid their mistake.)

This is why some students love me and some absolutely cannot stand me.  The ones who experience the listener, they flourish.  The ones who experience the arguer, they do not.  

(An example:  when a student says something about how the gender pay gap is a myth -- I move from "open listener" to "let me lay some data on ya, kid."  Students hate that David, exercising argument as force and control.  I see it in my evals.) 

Grocery shopping for my most recent, now ex, sweetheart.  "I'll just buy this generic food, because she and I need to stretch the dollar.  If I pay for it, generic can be okay.  She's saving money because I am paying;  I am saving money because I am buying Krusty O's."

Was that helping?  Or was that just ignoring her preferences, another exercise of force and control, justified because "I am helping."

...

I am repeatedly called the most useful man on my university's campus.  And it is true, I like to be helpful.  I have a strong moral compass that calls upon me to intervene and an intense empathy for those unfamiliar with systems.  These are the parts of me I embrace. 

And the shadow:  if I help you, you might like me.  Power and control.  

...

One last story.  My mother's car broke down in the Wisconsin Dells.  She wanted to leave it on the highway so that AAA would find it easily.  I wanted it off the road, in a lot, so we could be safe from cars buzzing down the highway.

Mom and I disagreed, so I told her to pop it in neutral so I could push it off the road.  (That sentence right there is the fucking problem.). She got in the car and popped it in neutral.  I started to push.  The car froze.  I wondered whether the whole engine had seized.  I pushed a bit more.  Still stuck.

My then-wife pointed out:  "She's stepping on the brakes."

And there is the metaphor of the day, for how David lets the belief that he is doing the right thing justify the exercise of force and control, and how fucked up that can be.

...

David, who self-identifies as gentle,

when he feels he is helping

the part of him that fears and rejects force, that can't work through the place of aggression and force in his life, heathfully, and so gets stuffed into the shadow...

it steps forward, using force to control others,

under cover of the justification of "I am helping you."

...

This is starting to hurt.

Bly on the Shadow and David on Swimming

A colleague in anthropology suggested that I read Bly on the shadow.  Here is a passage that resonates as well as introduces.

An invisible bag.

To be clear, my family was loving and affirming, and I'm not going to let these reflections become:  an opportunity to flog parents for my failings.

That said, I was a bookish Catholic boy with no mechanical aptitude.  I was encouraged to be a priest.  A movement toward that life, a minister and caregiver, is a movement that leaves some other inclinations in the shadow.

I also grew up with many older adults in my life, requiring caregiving (even as they also took care of me).  Great-grandma broke both her wrists falling down stairs and would never take those stairs again -- it became my job to do laundry, to fetch things from the root cellar.  She would not go on her knees again, for fear of falling, and so I would wash the floor (which in her mind had to be done on hand and knee).  

All of this is to say:  caregiver was the part of me that was kept in the light.  It is still a central part of who I am.

In the dark is something else.  I'm still finding the words for what is in my shadow -- not the opposite of caregiver, if that means giver-of-hurt, or care-refuser.

Something like not-care-asker?

Professional Example:  Last week, an administrative specialist emailed me to tell me that some of the work I was doing on an NEH grant, it was work I should not do.  It was her job to do tasks like "secure W9s from short-term contractors on the grant."  I was doing that labor to prevent that labor from bothering her.  Asking her to do it wouldn't have been me.  The part of my personality that asks for that kind of help, instead of giving it, lives in my shadow.

Another Professional Example:  Once, a student got increasingly angry with me over the course of a semester.  Each week, I talked with the student with my best "open hand of rhetoric."  Each week, the student became more belligerent.  My colleagues, finally, took me aside to say "hey, do you need help with this?"  I would never have asked.  

Personal Example:  Twice in my life, I have dated people with depression, a topic about which I have read mountains and about which I battered my therapist with questions for two years.  But I'll be honest:  I have never been good at coming to my partner and saying:  "I need help responding to the life we are sharing."  Always, I start with "I love you, you are beautiful, you are needed, you are treasured," but rarely "please help me be with you on this journey."

And it's easy to justify why.  You don't ask the person drowning to teach you to swim with them.  You want to be available, stable, steady as you throw them a lifeline and swim them in to shore.

Except it's not swimming.  A life with someone with depression is something created together.  You can't stand outside it and be helpful.  You need to be inside, with them -- while still being outside just far enough to see the truth:  they are beautiful, treasured, needed, loved. 

Another Personal Example:  There was a moment when my great-grandfather needed help standing from the toilet.  I grabbed his arms and pulled, not thinking through that pulling him forward was not pulling him up.  He asked me to stop.  I was 12, maybe 13.  I said "come on" and pulled again.  He ceased trying and called for other family members to help, and it was weeks before he asked me to help with that, again. 

I didn't ask him for help in being with him, helping him, in that moment.  He didn't know how to ask me to help better, only to ask for someone else to help.  Two stupid German men.  For as much as my politics, I think, are feminist, my individual choices still struggle to be more than what I was raised in.  

I'm going to cut myself some slack for being 12.

I'm not 12 anymore.  Sometimes, I still pull, thinking I am helping, without reaching out to communicate with the person about how I can be with them.

I need the part of me that can ask-for-help, not just give it, to come out of the shadow, into integration.

Reflection, Restarted: Shadow Work, an Initial Agenda

Shadow by Rook Floro (2012) https://www.saatchiart.com/art/Sculpture-Shadow/301256/1335939/view

I'm back on the path of reflection, recovering from a complicatedly broken heart and seeking a new wholeness.

Love, and the failure of love, forces us to recognize what was in our power to do better (but we did not), what was in our power to do better (but we could not, because we have our own internal struggles to grapple with that keep us from being present), and what was not in our power to do better (because, after all, a relationship is composed of two people). 

What is amazing to me, as I read this, even, today, is my comfort with the use of the word "power" above.  I have spent forty-seven years uncomfortable with "power."  (Some of that discomfort is explained here.). I'm long unaccustomed to the notion that I exert power, that I can use force.  When I have done so in the past, it is almost entirely in defense of others.

But I'm 47, I've had a banner year.  I was promoted to professor.  I won an advising award.  I won an NEH grant.  I'm a person who has and who can exert power.  I need to own that, in my professional life as well as my personal life.

At the same time, I think of myself as a "gentle" man.  What brings me here, over the next few weeks, has been a recognition that "the things I think I like about myself" as a person, a professional, a (feminist) man, have a flip side, a dark side, a shadow side.  To be "gentle" is to set up, for example, a complex of limits on my abilities, at the same time I experience the strength I feel in being gentle, already.  Maybe?  It's day one, I'm a few YouTube videos in.

I want to understand those shadow sides.  If you are interested in following me through some reflection that is only sidewise professionally pertinent (e.g. there won't be much talk about rhetoric here, but there will be talk about being a professor), join in.

...

What is the Shadow?

My starting point for thinking about the "shadow sides" of my self is a Jungian vocabulary.  And the quickest, most digestible summaries of this vocabulary are available on YouTube and Wikipedia.  I'll quote from Wikipedia below.

The Shadow is (1) an unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself. In short, the shadow is the unknown side.

So right off the back, I'm going to be looking for the parts of myself that I cannot see, that aren't fitting into the picture of myself that I have grown to embrace.  I reflect a lot, I look at myself and my world a lot, and yet there are things I cannot see.  This is scary and yet worthwhile, yeah?

Because one tends to reject or remain ignorant of the least desirable aspects of one's personality, the shadow is largely negative. There are, however, positive aspects that may also remain hidden in one's shadow (especially in people with low self-esteem, anxieties, and false beliefs).

Oh Christ, I am hopeful that this is oversimplified for the Wikipedia audience.  I'm not interested in a positive/negative valence or evaluation of my shadow.  

What are the Consequences of an Unaddressed Shadow?
There are two reasons I feel a need to work this through, today.  One is that the the Shadow disrupts my ability to achieve all that I could.

According to Jung, the shadow sometimes overwhelms a person's actions; for example, when the conscious mind is shocked, confused, or paralyzed by indecision. "A man who is possessed by his shadow is always standing in his own light and falling into his own traps ... living below his own level."^[21] 

I have felt this.  I mean, I have a Catholic impulse to blame myself for everything, at least initially, so I am poised to see my shadow as a flaw, the reason I fall into my own traps.  

Jung describes its effectiveness in disrupting the self in terms of Enantiodromia:

Enantiodromia. Literally, "running counter to," referring to the emergence of the unconscious opposite in the course of time. This characteristic phenomenon practically always occurs when an extreme, one-sided tendency dominates conscious life; in time an equally powerful counterposition is built up, which first inhibits the conscious performance and subsequently breaks through the conscious control. ("Definitions," ibid., par. 709)

So I feel like I am "in control" of my decisions, but I want to explore whether Enantiodromia may have had a place in undermining my ability to achieve my desires.

What are the Consequences of the Shadow in Relationships with Others?

This next bit is interesting.  It helps me see how some interpersonal interactions can be explained by the Shadow Self.  

According to Jung, the shadow, in being instinctive and irrational, is prone to psychological projection, in which a perceived personal inferiority is recognized as a perceived moral deficiency in someone else. Jung writes that if these projections remain hidden, "the projection-making factor (the Shadow archetype) then has a free hand and can realize its object—if it has one—or bring about some other situation characteristic of its power".^[5] These projections insulate and harm individuals by acting as a constantly thickening veil of illusion between the ego and the real world.

Too often, when I think about "projection," it settles down into a more complicated understanding of "I know you are, but what am I?"  That is, someone asserts something uncomfortable about me, about someone else, and I respond defensively by saying "sounds like you are projecting."

This take is more nuanced.  I like the observation that, when projection is engaged, "perceived personal inferiority is recognized as a perceived moral deficiency in someone else" -- It's not about whether a short man declares another man short -- it's about whether a man, uncomfortable in being short, tells another man that their height is a moral failing, a flaw.

I'm still struggling with how projections "insulate and harm individuals by acting as a constantly thickening veil of illusion between the ego and the real world" -- But I will hope to learn.

Finally, the unnerving part. 
Finally, the unnerving part.  This process does not end.

Jungians warn that "acknowledgement of the shadow must be a continuous process throughout one's life" and "the later stages of shadow integration" will continue to take place—the grim "process of washing one's dirty linen in private",^[36] of accepting one's shadow.

 This blog constitutes the public, not private, but I am hopeful to wash my laundry in a way useful to me as well as others.

What I want to explore first...
The first thing I want to explore are my self-image as someone who is "gentle."  That is who I am, who I have always believed myself to be.  What dimensions of exist within the shadow of that gentleness?  (The discussion of "power" above, and my fascination with Simone Weil's discussion of "force," fits in here.)

Birth Chart, David (For Fun)

The Sun represents vitality, a sense of individuality and outward-shining creative energy.

Sun in Sagittarius—but with modifications

Restless, cheerful, and friendly, Sun in Sagittarius people are generally on the go. They have a love of freedom, and a disdain for routine. Generally quite easygoing, Sagittarians make friends with people from all walks of life. They love to laugh and tease, and get along well with both sexes. Sagittarians have an often blind faith in people, and in the world. Their optimism is infectious, although it can get them into trouble from time to time. These are curious people who love to learn. Their idealistic nature is hard to miss.

Although generally easygoing, Sagittarius is a fire sign. This gives natives a generally quick temper. Fortunately, they're usually as quick to forget what got them angry in the first place. The need for escape is generally strong, and some Solar Sagittarians come across as a little irresponsible. Tact is not a Sagittarian trait: this gets them into trouble sometimes because others are not as quick to forgive as Sagittarians are. 

They're generally easy to forgive, however. After all, their direct, honest approach in life is admirable. 

But you do have a sun-moon square, which makes things a bit more complicated

You have an internal struggle between your needs and your wants. You can lack focus and be indecisive as a result. Your ability to be objective is both an asset and a liability, simply because when you decide on one route, you are pulled in another direction at the same time. Something tugs at you, and you begin to question your stance. "But what if..." and "on the other hand..." are statements you can't help but make, and that might plague you. You are always aware of the opposing point of view and the other side of the coin, which can mean you open to leaving things to chance rather than taking action, even when action would be preferable. Your Sagittarian side pushes you toward rebellion and risk-taking, but your moon side (pisces) prefers things to be smoother. You can find yourself rather immobilized by the conflict. The sun-moon combination makes you curious, fair-minded, quite possibly over-idealistic. 

The most significant aspect, though, is the sun-saturn opposition. You faced a fair number of challenges in your life, especially in the first half of life, in which your attempts to express your will were often thwarted. There can be a persistent feeling that you don't get what they want in comparison to others. You can feel unlucky at times. Attempts to control your environment, and sometimes others, may be frequent.

You want to be considered an accomplished and important person, and when you face obstacles, you don't always see that you are your own worst enemy. You may long to be considered important in the eyes of the world, yet you harbor fear of success at the same time. You take failures and minor setbacks to heart, and may even practically beat yourself up over them. Self-awareness to the point of debilitating self-consciousness is a possibility. The truth is, nobody holds a microscope over you, except for yourself. A little setback or a faux pas needn't be analyzed to death. Fingers needn't be pointed. No, you didn't make a spectacle of yourself when you made a mistake. You need to stop worrying about always being right, or appearing suave and accomplished. When you ease the pressure you put on yourself, you find that you don't face as many brick walls. It is very much about what you feel you deserve. Deep down inside, if you let yourself truly believe that you deserve happiness and peace of mind, you will find it.

You may engage in a lot of self-censoring: "I shouldn't.." is a common censoring mechanism with you. When you express egotism of any form, some part of you feels guilty. As the Sun rules our conscious mind, it does enough censoring on its own. It is the "adult" within us. Saturn, on the other hand, is more like the "parent" within us. We need parents to guide us when we are children, and to some degree as adults, but for the most part, we don't need to be censored indefinitely--something that seems to be the case with Saturn-Sun hard aspects, except that the censoring and parenting is coming from within. Ideally, you eventually learn that the standards you set for yourself are too high, and that may be the reason you seem to hit brick walls. You have a sarcastic sense of humor, a keen intelligence, and the ability to apply caution and strategy. But the Sagittarian sun doesn’t like caution and strategy: it prefers risk and adventure. It’s a hard balance to keep, and your vitality may suffer from the conflict. Troubles with bones, teeth, and circulation may surface, especially at times of stress in your life.

And yet . . . Your sun is in sextile to Uranus. This adds to the inner conflict because while Saturn is the “parental” planet, the reminder of duty and responsibility, Uranus is the rebel, the planet of change, electricity, rebellion. This is a flowing aspect (Saturn-sun is a hard one): the sun-uranus effect flows easily and naturally, if you don’t let overthinking get in your way. It is natural for you to question tradition. You are, above all things, an individualist. You naturally rebel against that which is established. It doesn't mean that you consistently break all the rules, but you definitely do question some of the rules, especially those that simply don't make much sense. You possess a huge distaste for routine. You work best when you have some say as to when and how you get things done. You possess much self-integrity. You avoid labeling people and are most offended when others attempt to label or stereotype you.

You easily embrace new ways of doing things, you stick up for the underdog, and you express yourself in unique and inspiring ways. You don't have to try to stand out as unique--you are original, creative, and progressive without trying. You are far from pretentious. You value honesty and truth, and you avoid putting on airs. You believe in the equality of people, and easily relate to people from all walks of life. You possess an unmistakable enthusiasm about life, and generally your life is interesting because you invite unusual or adventurous experiences into your life. You are generally appreciated by others because you are open-minded, fair, and not judgmental. Nothing really seems to faze you! You take things in stride, and are rarely shocked or taken aback by human behavior.

Your fifth house sun suggests that you want to be noticed for your unique and special qualities and your creativity. You are happiest when you are expressing yourself in a special way and attention comes your way as a result. You have a flair for drama and/or sports or games. You are proud of your fun-loving attitude towards life. As you demonstrate your ability to shine, avoid grabbing center stage all of the time. The inner conflict between Saturn and Uranus can lead you to extremes—either hiding or grabbing the spotlight. Your uniqueness is enough to get you noticed, but do find creative ways to express yourself, as this is the path to true happiness for you.

Your moon is in Pisces. The Moon represents the emotional responses, unconscious pre-destination, and the self-image. Lunar Pisceans are known to be dreamy and not always in touch with reality. However, though these people may not always show real-world savvy in day-to-day, practical affairs, they make up for this with remarkable intuition. They can put themselves in anybody's shoes with extreme ease. On the plus side, this endows them with remarkable compassion and love. The down side with this apparent ability to break down boundaries is that these people can easily lose themselves in the suffering of others. Their sense of humor is delightfully silly and a bit odd. These are perceptive souls who seem to be in touch with all the nuances and subtleties of human nature. Often this comes through in a strong sense of humor that is more of the receptive kind than the type of sense of humor that would make people the "life of the party". It's generally pretty easy to get them giggling.

Moon in Pisces people may get tagged as spaced out, but there's a lot more to them than meets the eye. They feel things out, and rely on their intuition. It just doesn't feel right for them to do otherwise. Their dreaminess can mean plenty of moments of absent-mindedness. These times of oblivion can land them in all sorts of predicaments with others who can too easily misunderstand these complex souls. Without plenty of space and time to daydream, Pisces Moons easily get overloaded with life. Give them room to be alone with themselves, and they're generally able to take on the world--even if their style when they do so is not always conventional or understandable. Generally considered soft-hearted and sweet, Lunar Pisceans care about others and are easily touched by human suffering. This tendency gains them the reputation as suckers for sob stories. Although this may sometimes be true, many Lunar Pisceans learn, in their lifetimes, how to discern between sincerity and manipulation. Still, they definitely do have plenty of soft corners.

In personal relationships, Lunar Pisceans are giving and yielding. They are generally open on a sexual level, in a quiet way. Their fantasies can be far-reaching, intricate, and rich with emotion. Love is closely tied in with their sexuality. Most Lunar Pisceans are shy; they need a trustworthy lover to bring them out. There's a delightful accepting side to Moon in Pisces that is sometimes mistaken for weakness. Pisces is the twelfth and last sign of the zodiac, and thus carries with it a little of each sign of the zodiac. As a result, they see themselves reflected in the behavior of others, giving them seemingly boundless compassion. Since the Moon represents our instinctive nature, Moon in Pisces seems to know how things feel without actual experience. For example, they may have never had sex, but seem to know all about it -- even, or especially, the subtleties of it. The ones that aren't too shy make awesome actors and actresses. This ability to empathize even in the absence of experience gives them an open mind and heart. Most long to express this through writing, music (both listening and making), poetry, and art -- in fact, the happiest people with this position do just that. Though some are doormats, most Pisces Moon people instinctively know when they're due for a much-needed recharge. It's at these times that they retreat from the world (and its harsh realities) if only to gather strength to face everything and everyone again. Solitude is important to them, but they also need people, so their retreats will usually be short-lived. Pisces Moon individuals believe; and, let's face it, the world needs Piscean leaps of faith.

Inner tension stems from conflicting aspects to your moon—a hard aspect to Saturn, a flowing aspect to venus and mars. When Moon is in hard aspect to Saturn—you have a Saturn-moon square—in the natal chart, natives need to learn to trust others more. Fear keeps them from fully enjoying personal relationships, and fear is behind the occasional rigidity that they express. When they let themselves receive nurture or care from others, an inner voice cautions them that it might not be sincere, long-lasting, or enough! There can be some reluctance about becoming a parent, but once taken on, these people don't take their responsibility lightly.

Emotional reticence is the main theme of these aspects. Many people with this aspect had a lot of conditions placed on the love they received in early childhood. They tend to expect the same later in life. With hard Saturn aspects, individuals are often plagued with doubts, not only about the self but about what to expect from life itself. The problem is that expecting difficulties or negative situations creates an aura around them that perpetuates the problem. They must work hard at positive thinking and expecting more from life. Ironically, many people with hard Saturn aspects can be quite sarcastic, skeptical, and rigid in manner. This is essentially a defense mechanism designed to protect themselves from harshness in the world.

It is extremely likely that they feel neglected because they perceive it in the first place, and later expect it, to be the case. There's a vicious circle going on here that can only be broken when the patterns created by negative conditioning are broken. Adjusting one's perceptions and expectations is the key to breaking out of these negative patterns. Otherwise, natives of hard Moon-Saturn aspects will live life feeling left out--attracting circumstances that perpetuate a feeling of deep unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Short description: changeable moods, a reserved character, is stubborn and lacks assurance. Relationship with the mother may have been difficult, and there probably have been considerable family problems. This is the standard aspect for children who are abandoned or who lacked maternal love.

But you also have a moon-venus-mars grand trine, a lovely aspect that suggests a way through the Saturn difficulties—you’ve learned from the Saturn square and have so many lovely qualities. You are generally amiable and project a soft and yielding manner, though less yielding than many people with this aspect because the Saturn influence is strong and adds a stubbornness to your affect, and Sagittarius isn’t very tactful. Still, you possess natural charm and you are highly imaginative and sympathetic. You can make an excellent mediator and go-between. You are keenly aware of your need for relationships and for intimacy. You have a well-developed respect for qualities typically associated with the feminine. People appreciate you for your tender heart and friendly, diplomatic disposition. You should enjoy a good measure of personal popularity and success in your life—more particularly as you age, since people grow into their charts. You might be considered "lucky" with relationships and with money, but the Saturn influence fights this part of the trine. Still, as you ages, you gain a certain level of inner peace and positive energy that attracts pleasant situations. At times you can be complacent, downright lazy, and over-indulgent in the "pleasures" of life. However, you are a peace-maker at heart and have an unusual ability to help and heal others. You are gracious and warm.

You are a passionate person who loves life. Although your emotions are powerful and immediate, your passion is generally controlled and directed. You are a sexual person who nevertheless doesn't get too carried away or controlled by your passions. Because your emotions are strong and you know how to channel them into constructive channels, you don't easily understand such things as "crimes of passion", impulsive behaviors, or emotional excitability in others. You're generally open, accepting, and natural in your sexual expression. You need an emotional connection in order to feel complete on a physical level. You may have an affection and talent for sports and games, but other factors in the natal chart are necessary to provide the motivation and commitment. 

Your 9^th house moon’s position can indicate a deep longing for stimulation above and beyond the everyday, mundane routine. You are a philosophical sort, interested and curious about the world, other people, and perhaps different cultures. You can be extremely restless and discontented if you don't have a definite goal in mind. You might find yourself longing to be somewhere else when you are unhappy, imagining that if you were to move or travel, you would be much happier. However, this attitude can only keep you from enjoying and improving upon the situation you are now in, only serving to make you feel more unhappy in the present and with your current circumstances. Trying to avoid the attitude that "the grass is greener on the other side" will be important, while attending to your needs to get away from time to time will help scratch the seemingly incurable itch for something more.

Your Mercury is in Sagittarius: Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit. Enthusiastic, humorous, and sometimes moralistic, with strong opinions you’re not afraid to share. Democrat, philosopher, tolerant, respectful of laws. Interested in foreign places and learning. Believes that everything teaches you something.

Your mercury is in fine aspect to mars and venus, which suggests that your intellect is one way out of your difficulties: learning, adventuring, exploring.  In connection with your pisces moon, you’re highly imaginative and intuitive, likely to engage in prolonged studies. Contact with foreigners. Long journeys.

Short description: frank, honest, full of vigor and ambition, strong-willed and powerful at work. A little hard on himself but, above all, on others whose capacity for action and understanding is not as great. Impatience with slower-witted individuals at work.

Conjunction Mercury – Venus: Ability to look on the bright side of life: agreeable, optimistic, sociable. Likes to speak and write, and does both with charm and artistry. Intellectual pleasures are influenced by your feelings. Amorous and sensual, especially fond of beauty, the Arts but also travelling.

Conjunction Mercury – Neptune: you can put down in writing everything that your imagination and intuition dictates.

Sextile Mercury – Pluto: a great sense of observation and quick grasp of the situation, crafty, subtle and critical.

Trine Mercury – Ascendant: intelligent, with quick and lively reflexes. Preoccupied by your circle, like to exchange ideas with his friends, but also with strangers. Of an open nature, you go out to others.


5^th house mercury: Taste for intellectual games, sports that require skill and finesse, very curious about everything, even in love. Likes children.

You tend to use your voice, whether written or spoken, as a means of creative self-expression. You can be witty and humorous, an engaging communicator, and a fun friend. You love playing games, especially ones that employ your intellect. You love tricks, jokes, plays on words, and mimicry. You might be skilled at impersonations. Some 5^th house mercurys are clever at lying. You might have a tendency to promise more than you can deliver, or overstate your case. In some way, you are very entertaining with the spoken and/or written word. Communication and intellectual rapport is most attractive to you when it comes to romance. In some cases, this can indicate more than one lover at once. Curiosity can be a strong motivator for making social and romantic contact. You might also take much pride in your children's intellectual abilities and talents. You would make a good teacher, as you are very curious about how people learn and can come up with many ideas that allow you to teach others creatively.


Venus in Scorpio. Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others.

Venus in Scorpio people attract others with their intensity and willingness to commit. They have a strong and concentrated manner which suggests their feelings run deep. Their actions in love tend to promise deep commitment and sexual pleasure, even if they are not telling you this directly. Their appeal lies in their focus on you, and their dedication. Venus in Scorpio seems fearless when it comes to intimacy. Potential lovers get the feeling that Venus in Scorpio will never stray, that they are intensely loyal to the one they love. They possess you, and somehow make it seem attractive to be possessed.

Venus in Scorpio men and women give you their complete attention. These people are very focused on their partners. Depending on your personality, you may find this unnerving or entirely flattering. They have a strong need to control their partner, although this won't be immediately apparent, and they may not ever admit to this. Their body-and-soul love and commitment can be so intense that it eclipses fun and makes loving them a very heavy experience. Their emotion and intensity may seem overdone to those looking for a more lighthearted relationship. These people take things to extremes, and can be very provocative. Although they want to explore all of your nooks and crannies, they won't always be forthcoming with their own. When you've upset these lovers, you'll know it. Depending on the moment, Venus in Scorpio will shoot you one of the most piercing glares around, or totally blow up. Whichever style they choose, a slighted Scorpio lover is not a pretty sight. These people can be jealous of all of your attachments, but few will admit it. They're not afraid of being underhanded in matters of the heart, and they are experts at cutting through all the fluff and seeing you for what you are. Still, you may find their conclusions about you seem skewed and mistrustful.

Pleasing Venus in Scorpio involves demonstrating your complete commitment and loyalty to them. Appreciate their guts when it comes to love and intimacy -- they're proud of their courage in these matters. If you can, and they're deserving, relinquish some of the control in the relationship. Let them feel they own you, without taking it to extremes. Remember, though, that some Venus in Scorpio lovers can and will take advantage of you on a subtle level, if only to keep you all to themselves. Let them have their secrets and their silences.

Short description: Sensual and passionate. Passions run hot and cold. Full of ardor and desire where the partner needs to be able to match his level. Can be jealous and possessive. If disappointed or deceived in love, he can become bitter. Usually very loyal.

5^th house Venus: wants to succeed in love-life. Meets pleasant people and has very good friends, usually without too much conflict. Likes amusements, parties. He may have many children or serve as mentor to many children.

Interest in the opposite sex for you started young. Playful, sensual, and amorous, you are in love with love! You thrive on romantic attention, and it is easy and natural for you to always have a crush or romantic interest. There is a romantic, playful side to you that is unmistakable. It keeps you young at heart! You are sensuous and enjoy indulging in the pleasurable senses to the fullest possible extent. You enjoy surrounding yourself with beautiful art and music, and these may play a role in your ideal date scenario. There is a touch of the dramatic in you when it comes to love and sex. You are generally quite loyal to your partner, and you are both charming and easily charmed. It's also easy to turn your head. You are a warm, fun and playful date.

Conjunction Venus – Mars: He is amorous, not a peaceful and calm lover but a passionate one with a strong temperament. He is demonstrative in love, and likes healthy pleasures. He enjoys life to the full.

Mars in Scorpio: Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.

Mars in Scorpio natives love to challenge themselves to do the impossible. They throw themselves into what they decide to do with concentrated energy and awesome willpower. These people make formidable opponents, although often quietly so. They keep their cool and their equilibrium on the surface. Below the surface may be another story, and they are unlikely to easily let you in. Mars in Scorpio has the potential to exploit others--these people see through others, and rely heavily on their gut feelings. The sexual stamina of this position is thought to be the strongest of all the positions of Mars. Sometimes, Mars in Scorpio people are attracted to taboos, and their fantasies may involve blowing the taboos to smithereens! They enjoy scenarios in which the "other" is giving in to them, wants them completely, and will do absolutely anything for them. And, their sexual appeal is strong enough that they generally do get what they want.

They find it difficult to share their partners, though they will likely never admit this. In stark contrast to Mars in Libra, who is most comfortable with the middle ground, Mars in Scorpio has a black-or-white philosophy of life. These are the people who say, "Just choose!" They really are not comfortable with compromise--what kind of satisfaction could you possibly get from compromise? Real living, to Mars in Scorpio, is all about accepting challenges and making changes. These people constantly test themselves, and, often, others. They make all kinds of rules and goals, just for the personal satisfaction that comes from achieving or mastering them. Their survival instincts are strong, and they embrace their own animal nature when they are all alone with themselves, without guilt.

These people have a provocative quality to them. This quality is usually most evident in youth, though it is often carried over into adulthood in more subtle, controlled ways. Mars in Scorpio natives who have low self-esteem can become mighty twisted. Instead of beating themselves up, they turn self-loathing outward, and end up manipulating others and feeling resentful. While Mars in Libra is constantly striving to bring fairness to the world, Mars in Scorpio knows that life simply isn't fair.

4^th house Mars: Quick decisions, a lot of things on your plate. Wants to climb the social ladder, though may not admit it. Will succeed through phenomenal work-rate. Stormy family life, where aggressiveness shows itself.

Sextile Mars – Jupiter: A good sense of organization, jovial, frank and sincere, full of dynamism and over-abundant energy. You love life and takes all it has to offer. He likes sports and the outdoor life. He is successful professionally and emotionally. He usually has lots of children, or at least children who are very important to him.

He is honest and forthright in his dealings with others—usually. But your Saturn influence can make you more distrustful than most people with this aspect. You may be careless with money, though not so carefree as is usual with this aspect, again because of Saturn. Still,you are probably optimistic that there will always be money around. This is a good aspect for self-confidence, mitigating the Saturn influence somewhat.

Jupiter in Capricorn: Jupiter represents expansion and grace. You attract the most good fortune when you organize and direct, conduct yourself with integrity, are ethical, and mature. Values the long term, achievement, responsibility, and manifestation. Succeeds through resourcefulness and avoiding activities that waste time, energy, or resources. Good at streamlining. Position or status—recognition for expertise—is important. 

This isn’t the most comfortable position for Jupiter: Capricorn is Saturn’s sign, and Jupiter and Saturn are opposing energies, expansion and contraction. The heavy Saturn cast to your chart suggests you’ll be happiest if you focus your energies more than scattering them.

6^th house Jupiter: You can be quite lucky in the working world but may sometimes lose a little in the world of business in the short term because of high principles and standards for dealing with others, but win in the long term due to these very same moral standards. You help the sick and under-privileged with kindness. And you may tend to overdo the good life, be overly self-indulgent physically.

Saturn in Gemini: Saturn represents contraction and effort. Saturn doesn’t really like Gemini all that much, but it does lighten some of the heavy sense of repression and duty. It gives a bit of heavy seriousness to the mentality, but with Mercury in Sagittarius, that’s not a bad thing. You probably don’t like having light acquaintances—want to get deeper quickly despite sometimes wishing to be more free and breezy—or to be as free and breezy as you sometimes come off.

11^th house Saturn: You appreciate the company of older people of intelligence and good counsel. These will help success in professional life. This can indicate reserve on a very deep level and difficulty finding a partner because of trust issues. 

Trine Saturn – Uranus You know how to be on top of the situation, to persevere, beingdetermined but ingenious and original. You generally are pretty practical, despite the idealism of your moon sign and sun. 

Uranus in Libra Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty. Uranus doesn’t change signs too quickly, so its sign placement isn’t heavily influential, but this placement indicates
well-developed artistic leanings. Your balance can be upset by too great an independence—even though you think you need it.

4^th House Uranus: Very independent. Your independence begins vis-...-vis the family circle. You do not like bureaucracy, administration, and have problems as a result. You have avant-garde ideas, are original and do not tolerate constraints on his freedom—yet many of the constraints are ones you place on yourself, then project.

Neptune is a generational planet so its sign isn’t particularly important. 5^th house Neptune suggests a desire for extravagant love affairs, great passions. The Neptune Ascendant trine indicates you probably have some strange relationships, being sensitive and emotional. And that you’re interested in new ways to relate to others. Your pluto-ascendant sextile indicates
will-power and ambition, and a fondness for having your own way.

Ascendant in Leo House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by others, and the attitude that one has towards life.

Leo rising people cannot help but be noticed. They radiate a special energy and magnetism that gets others' attention. Sometimes it's because they are loud people who pay a lot of attention to their personal appearance (especially their hair!); other times it's due to a regal manner that simply demands interest from others. Leo Ascendant people are very self-aware and body-conscious. They are acutely aware of others, and how they come across. In fact, these people are especially aware of their personal "backdrop"--they consider what the people they're with, and the environments they are in, do to their own image. Often, Leo rising natives feel as if they are on stage, even in the privacy of their own homes! They are given to rash decisions, temper tantrums, and excesses. However, they have plenty of staying power, drive, and their idealism keeps them from getting into too much trouble. The desire to oversee the goings-on in their circle can sometimes amount to bossiness. If this desire doesn't go too far, however, it can just mean a person who wants to make sure the people they love are all right. Many Leo rising people are managers, either by profession or character.

The tendency to overestimate things, and themselves, is generally present. This is due to a natural enthusiasm and optimism about any new undertaking. Sometimes, they are walking commercials. In fact, Leo rising people make excellent promoters. Leo rising people are generally demonstrative, and given to grand gestures. Drama comes naturally to these natives. In fact, some are so caught up in fiction, they're a little blind to fact. They have an unusual need to be admired. Leo Ascendants often have a strong physical constitution. They pay special attention to their personal appearance and mannerisms. Usually, they choose clothing and hairstyles that are youthful. Their manner is authoritarian and strong. Very full emotional life.

No matter their age in real-world terms, Leo rising people are kids at heart. They are fun-loving and warm; generous and spirited. Just how magnanimous and outgoing a Leo rising individual is will be modified by the placement of the Sun by sign and house. This is because the ruling planet of a Leo Ascendant is the Sun. For example, a Leo rising person with Sun in Virgo may not come across as strongly as a Leo rising person with Sun in Aries. No matter the placement of the Sun, however, Leo rising natives are quite self-aware and optimistic. They have a natural flair for presentation, an eye for quality, and a hard-to-resist warmth of style. They want to make things happen, and create a stir. Since your sun is in Sagittarius, you would normally be loud and very showy, but the Saturn elements give a Capricorn undertone to your whole chart—so it’s not the suck all the air out of the room stuff.

House 2 is the area of material security and values. It rules money and personal finances, sense of self-worth and basic values, personal possessions. Leo house.
Financial success will be very easy thanks to the support of influential people. Tendency to spend more than what is earned. Financial progress is slow but steady. Generous with loved ones and children.  Your 5^th house sun in Sagittarius suggests entertainment and the arts, along with happy connections, as money-making channels.

House 3 in Virgo: area of social and intellectual learning. Pulling everything to pieces, analyzing, criticizing. Over-thinking and over-analyzing is probable. A busy early environment. Proactive, tending to details and taking care of things in an efficient manner. Doesn't take on anything without examining the pros and the cons. Very careful, sometimes to a manic extent, taking everything into account even to the slightest detail.

House 4 is the area of home, family, roots, and deep emotions/sense of self-worth. Libra.
The simple life, the small home isn't for you. Want to be out and about, able to afford luxuries to make life comfortable, likes going out, meeting with people. Need harmonious home life: if it’s disturbed, you’re disturbed. Not a homebody.

House V is the area of creative self-expression, romance, entertainment, children, and gambling. Scorpio. Can be blinded by and drunk with love: Intense passions, some control issues around love and romance. 

House 6 is the area of learning by material transaction. Capricorn. Hard working, patient with work projects. Changes in temperature can affect your health.

House 7 is the area of one-to-one relationships such as marriage and partnership, and of social and intellectual action. Aquarius. Possibility of a slightly hasty marriage. The relationship between man-and-wife will be very friendly and full of understanding if both love their independence and freedom of action. If one refuses to give this to the other while insisting on it for him/herself, then a breakup or divorce will ensue.

House 8 is the area of emotional security and of security of the soul. Aquarius. Emotional security from developing detachment from one’s past, working for justice. Possibly an unexpected inheritance.


House 9 is the area of learning that shapes the identity. Pisces. Water is a source of deep comfort, de-stressing. Brilliant ideas that come from nowhere. Spiritual learning.

House 10 is the area of material action. The Mid-heaven represents the work one will do in his life, the place one will take in the world of society. It becomes more important as one grows older. Aries. All the leadership qualities are there: authority, energy, initiative, leadership, lots of gung-ho and of course intelligence.

House 11 is the area of search for social and intellectual security. Taurus.
Likes to be surrounded by frank and good-hearted friends. These friendships don't stand on ceremony. Carry out everything you undertake surely, composedly, calmly until successful. Social and intellectual security from the arts, artistic friends, creativity.

House 12 is the area of education and of emotion. Cancer. Biggest problems—most problems—come only from the family.
 

Interlude: What is Joy in the Life of a Teacher-Scholar?

According to Snieder and Schneider, Joy "corresponds to a feeling of doing the right thing while thoroughly enjoying it;  it is the feeling of being in the right place, having meaningful relationships and making an impact, and being able to declare some positive control over how our lives shape us and shape others' (9).

They articulate that "rather than seeking joy in whatever the next success is, we find that joy has  to come first, and is actually the main ingredient in building a successful life" (9).

Nathan Johnson recommended this book, the Joy of Science, and I am enjoying it, especially because the differences between approaching these questions as a scientist and a humanist are valuable to me.

I'll be thinking about this passage over the weekend, but wanted to post to get thoughts from others before I leap in.

"Assign Yourself a Role for Each Event"

A key to networking is knowing who you are, who you are supposed to be, in an event. Robison raises this as a question in Chapter 12, "Engage Others," in a way which inspires autobiographical thinking on my part.

1996ish:  Eater of Food I remember the first time I attended a national communication conference.  Friday and Saturday nights at this conference, major programs host receptions that help recruit new graduate students, recruit faculty, and keep alumni invested in the success of the program.  There is often free food and drink.  My first year at this conference, in 1996 (I am guessing), my role was "to consume enough food and drink not to have to buy dinner." (I wasn't on the market for a new program, or a job, and I wasn't alum yet.)
At the reception of my own program, I had a slightly better sense of my role:  to meet alumni and prospective students and say good things about my program.  But even then, I waited for that to happen to me, instead of seeking that role out. 

1999ish Presenter of Papers For the next three years or so, at national and regional conferences, I thought that my role was to present:  to stand up in front of a room of anywhere from three to thirty strangers and present research.  That role is essential to getting institutional support (travel funding) to attend the conference, but in many ways, presenting is the least significant role, the least significant labor, you can do at the conference.  

2000ish Asker of Questions By about five years into conference attendance, I realized that asking questions at other people's presentations was at least as powerful as presenting, and would often get me an invitation to the lobby bar to talk about research, to share my project and to connect with colleagues. 

2002ish  Active Participant in the Community of Scholars By six years in, I was attending pre-conferences and valuing those as the most significant portion of the conference -- these were my people, sharing my interests, and interested in advancing our common project.  I became more and more aware of my role as someone looking for a community and advancing a community project.  I started attending smaller and smaller conferences, looking for points of intersection between my work and the work of my colleagues.  Smaller and smaller conferences were more likely to result in proceedings, which advance my career even more than presenting a paper, too.

I'm not suggesting that I should have been where-I-was in 2002 when I started in 1996.  But I probably should have reflected more on my role as time passed.  Hopefully, if you are just starting your career, you can see where you fit on this spectrum of roles, and maybe you can add another one to my list.